Saturday, May 8, 2010

Loser

It is 4am, I am up. I am mad. I am frustrated. I am having a pity party. All. By. Myself.

My little people won't sleep. I have basically been up with them all night long. The actual 1 hour when they were both asleep, I sat in bed listening to Hal snore, wondering if he has sleep apnea. So, I tossed and turned. Trying to will myself to go to sleep. To not let Hal's snoring bother me. To not think that at any minute one or both of my kids were going to wake up, probably at just the minute that I fall asleep. So, instead of getting all ticked off that after 5 minutes of shut eye I am staring at Jack next to my bed or listening to Addy scream from her crib. I just don't go to sleep. Good thing I didn't even try. Because it has been a HORRIBLE night. Tonight is one of those nights that I am so extremely thankful that I am married, that I have a partner that can take over when I have quite literally reached my wits end.

So, now that I am all worked up, ticked that I am not going to get a decent nights sleep. And knowing that I have a whole day planned tomorrow that is going to be hard to get through on no sleep. I am sitting here thinking about what a failure I am as a mom. I don't deserve these 4 wonderful kids, they deserve better. Hallie had a mother daughter talent night for our ward. It really was a wonderful night, we have some really cute, talented girls in our ward. So many of them are in dance, taking piano or voice lessons, among other things. I sat there and felt bad for Hallie, I can't afford those things. Hal and I have financially hit a wall, we barely make ends meet. We don't have extra for "fluff". So, what did my daughter, who wouldn't even let me brush her hair before going over, or changed into fresh clothes do for her "talent"? She rode her ripstick. I SUCK! How embarrassing for her, that she doesn't have a "talent" to show that would lift her up and help her feel beautiful and wonderful, which of course I think she is. But, no I have not given her the opportunity to be more. Have I scarred her for life? Will she always look back and wonder why we didn't do more for her? Honestly, my sweet daughter probably actually thinks that the audience thought she was very talented and impressed with her ripstick balancing skills. She held her head up high and put on a show, smiled big and was proud of herself for what she had done. I pray that she doesn't know how I feel. That she grows up being happy with herself, that she keeps her confidence and natural high self-esteem. I pray that I don't screw up and squash her dreams. I pray that I can hide my own feelings of inadequacy from her.

Well, now it is going on 4:30. Pity party is over and tomorrow is another day. Maybe I should try and actually get a little sleep. Now that I have vented a little, that might be possible. Probably not, but I should give it a try.

5 comments:

St. Julien's said...

Suzie bless your tired heart. I hope you got a few hours of sleep eventually. I am hardest on my self when I am tired to the max. You are a great Mom. Don't let that tired out brain convince you otherwise:)

Briann said...

suzie, i think your a great Mom! I always see how well behaved your older ones are and how adorable your 2 younger kids are and I think you are awesome! Celebrate your Motherhood, because YOU my friend are great!

Jamie said...

Suzie, you brought a tear to my eye with your post. I have been through exactly what you have and have been so tired that I thought I couldn't get through another day. I worry constantly about not being able to provide opportunities for my children because we don't have the money. Financial burdens can feel so overwhelming sometimes but the hardest is feeling like you can't support your children in their interests. I guess all we can do is give them all the love and support we can and hope that Heavenly Father will make up the rest for us because we can only do so much. You are a wonderful mother! Your kids know how much you love them and that is enough!

Kim said...

OH how I've been here...it's NOT TRUE! You are a wonderful mother! Being tired does some pretty strange things to you. I worry about Megan too...all the time..wonder if I'm a good example to her...etc..etc...I think it's so awesome that Hallie can ride a ripstick!! I'm jealous! I've tried to ride the boys, but alas...I can't. Please know you are loved and appreciated more than you know!

Jill Freestone said...

you are a wonderful mother - especially because you care enough to think and feel that way!

just so you know - my kids can't do a rip stick AT ALL and It really is a talent and skill. I'm impressed, truly.

The exhaustion of sleeplessness really messes up the mind - its actually worse than drunk driving - so just consider yourself drunk the rest of the day when it doesn't go how you hope. :)