A Tragic Ending

We have had a little Robin couple move into our tree in the backyard. It has been SO much fun watching them build their nest. They fly around the back yard squawking, picking up twigs and mud. They built a beautiful nest.


And then, the mommy bird started laying eggs. Oh what fun! The kids have been watching all of this happen and ask everyday if the birds have hatched. Jack asks over and over "see eggs?!?!" He loves being held up to look at them. We watched as she laid 4 eggs, one each day. And then she started laying on them, spending hours upon hours keeping her little ones warm. Hoping for them to hatch, so that she could feed her babies. We watched the papa bird, bring his mate food. Watch over her and squawk at everyone who came too close. We have had the pleasure of being able to keep our bedroom window open the last few nights to enjoy the fresh air. We also enjoyed hearing "our birds" sing.

The Mama


The Papa



All 4 eggs



Today, I looked out the window and didn't see the mama sitting on her eggs. It was eerily quite from our open window. I didn't see either the mama or the papa. I wasn't too concerned. Maybe they were out looking for food. Well, a couple of hours later I looked again, still no mama or papa. I went to take a closer look. This is what I found.

First a missing egg


The guilty looking party


And the proof



I hope the Mama and Papa come back and sit on the remaining eggs. It looks like one of them is cracked, so only 2 that look hopeful. Sad. I feel so bad for the poor mama.

Loser

It is 4am, I am up. I am mad. I am frustrated. I am having a pity party. All. By. Myself.

My little people won't sleep. I have basically been up with them all night long. The actual 1 hour when they were both asleep, I sat in bed listening to Hal snore, wondering if he has sleep apnea. So, I tossed and turned. Trying to will myself to go to sleep. To not let Hal's snoring bother me. To not think that at any minute one or both of my kids were going to wake up, probably at just the minute that I fall asleep. So, instead of getting all ticked off that after 5 minutes of shut eye I am staring at Jack next to my bed or listening to Addy scream from her crib. I just don't go to sleep. Good thing I didn't even try. Because it has been a HORRIBLE night. Tonight is one of those nights that I am so extremely thankful that I am married, that I have a partner that can take over when I have quite literally reached my wits end.

So, now that I am all worked up, ticked that I am not going to get a decent nights sleep. And knowing that I have a whole day planned tomorrow that is going to be hard to get through on no sleep. I am sitting here thinking about what a failure I am as a mom. I don't deserve these 4 wonderful kids, they deserve better. Hallie had a mother daughter talent night for our ward. It really was a wonderful night, we have some really cute, talented girls in our ward. So many of them are in dance, taking piano or voice lessons, among other things. I sat there and felt bad for Hallie, I can't afford those things. Hal and I have financially hit a wall, we barely make ends meet. We don't have extra for "fluff". So, what did my daughter, who wouldn't even let me brush her hair before going over, or changed into fresh clothes do for her "talent"? She rode her ripstick. I SUCK! How embarrassing for her, that she doesn't have a "talent" to show that would lift her up and help her feel beautiful and wonderful, which of course I think she is. But, no I have not given her the opportunity to be more. Have I scarred her for life? Will she always look back and wonder why we didn't do more for her? Honestly, my sweet daughter probably actually thinks that the audience thought she was very talented and impressed with her ripstick balancing skills. She held her head up high and put on a show, smiled big and was proud of herself for what she had done. I pray that she doesn't know how I feel. That she grows up being happy with herself, that she keeps her confidence and natural high self-esteem. I pray that I don't screw up and squash her dreams. I pray that I can hide my own feelings of inadequacy from her.

Well, now it is going on 4:30. Pity party is over and tomorrow is another day. Maybe I should try and actually get a little sleep. Now that I have vented a little, that might be possible. Probably not, but I should give it a try.